Twilight - Breaking Wind- A Romance Story

 

 

I stood there in the open clearing of the forest admiring Jacob’s amazing shirtless body. The moonlight was casting a glow off his baby-oiled torso. I seen a bit of oil drip of his shoulder, so licked it off for him then stood back and pouted.

“Thanks, Bella.” He said in his squeaky voice.

He stared at me with his brown serious eyes and I went all shy. “Oh, it was nothing.”

“Well, Bella” he said. “You know I really want you.”

I bit my lip. “Ooh I want you too Jacob, but I’m like, with Edward now.”

“I hope you haven’t done it with him yet.”

I was startled by his boldness, and momentarily lost my voice.

“Well, th- that’s, none of your business!”

Jacob looked angry. He twisted his hard nipples with his fingers and let out a growl. The woods suddenly went eerily quiet.

“You have done it with him! I can’t believe it.” He looked like he was going to swear but this novel was intended for 14-year-old girls, so he held it in. “You know,” he continued, “if you keep having sex with him, and had his child, the consequences for mankind would be severe. We can’t have a vamp-human-baby, it’s too dangerous.”

“Well, I like it.” I replied indignantly. “You can just try and stop me.”

 

He looked super-pissed off. His hands rose to his chest and he beat it angrily with his fists and roared like a lion. “Noooo, it’s not fair!” Then he halted suddenly and asked me to excuse him. He turned and went behind a tree and came back with a bottle of baby oil, which he poured over his naked chest. It made me feel super-hot; I wondered if he was trying to seduce me.

“Right, Bella, we should make love now. I have to prolong the man-wolf race, and we can’t have another vampire baby. I’m going to beat Cullen to it.”

Suddenly, a rush of wind shook the trees, and before I realized it Edward was standing next to me. For some reason he was shirtless too, but he had sparkles on his chest instead of baby oil. I tried to decide what I liked best.

Edward was super-pissed off. He glared at Jacob like he wanted to rip his head off. “You cunt!” he said. “Trying to steal my girl, eh?”

“We can’t have another vampire baby” Jacob retorted. “It’s too dangerous. I’m going to stop you if it’s the last thing I do.”

Jacob crouched down like a rugby player going in for a scrum, and prepared to fight.

“Look,” Edward said, “This has gone on long enough now. We have spent, like, 3 movies and books, playing out this same scene. “Maybe it’s time we came to an agreement.”

“Like what?”

I just stood in the middle. There wasn’t much use in me doing anything or offering an opinion, I was just a useless feeble woman. But then I said, “Yeah guys, you have to stop fighting all the time.”

Edward ignored me and went on, staring straight at Jacob. “Yeah, we are going to have to stop this arguing and fighting…Maybe… we could share her.”

“Share her?” Jacob questioned.

“Yeah, like, you have her till 2, then I have her till dawn. Or you get top half I get bottom?”

Jacob shrugged, “Works for me.” he said.

Edward turned to me and looked at me with those super-serious multicolored eyes that made me melt. “Bella. Get on your hands and knees.”

“What?” I asked, shocked.

“It’s okay Bella, trust me.”

So I did. I felt Edward pull down my trouser cords and enter himself into my asshole. It felt good, this was what I had been waiting for. 3 books, 3 awful films, finally he was giving it to me.

Once, when I was back in Arizona living out my miserable life there, I watched a porno in my room. The girl in it rolled her eyes and jutted her jaw out to look sexy. So I did this too.

Jacob was standing before me and he seemed to get aroused by this, he pulled down his shorts and stood to attention. I took him in my mouth.

The next few minutes were great. I was banged from both sides, shuttled back and forward like a rocking horse. They both came at the same time and withdrew. I lay on the forest floor panting happily. Jacob was spent and doubled over, but he slowly rose back to his feet and howled at the full moon, beating at his chest again. “AAAOOOOO!”

Then Edward started to roar and growl. “RRRROOOOOOAAAAR.”

Then Jacob said, “That was good. Same time tomorrow?”

Edward nodded in agreement and lifted me up on his shoulder like I was a little helpless child. He rose up into the air and flew me home, but not before making love to me again in a treetop.

 

“Oh no Bella, you’re pregnant!”

I looked up at Edwards’s handsome dad from my hospital bed as he ran the sonogram over my gelled stomach. He had blonde hair and was super nice and intelligent and 750 years old. I wondered if he fancied me too. Everyone else did. But there were more serious matters now.

“Yeah,” he said. “And it looks like, Huh! Oh no! it’s a super-human-vampire-werewolf baby!” he gaped in horror.

Edward was the only other person in the room. He looked super shocked and mad. “What can we do about it?” He asked his dad.

“Well, nothing can be done, you can’t abort these types of babies. I once tried doing it 500 years ago to a frog-chicken-human-baby, but it didn’t work.” He looked down at the floor abjectly, “They both died.”

Then Jacob was in the room also. Where did he come from? How does this always happen at every scene?

“If you are going to die then I am too.” said Jacob. “Like Romeo and Juliet, cause I love you.”

He gave me a beautiful card. I opened it. It was so sweet. It read like this- I put my glue into you, I will be true, yes I do, cause I love you, like a shoe, so now we are stuck together, like glue.

“Awe, that’s nice.” I said. “Sure! You can die with me.”

Edward looked hurt and jealous. “Well, I want to die with you too.” he said.

“Okay, guys,” I said. “Why wait around? Let’s all go and just kill ourselves now and get this over with-hey-I might write a book about this, it would sell right? Sex always sells well.”

Jacob picked me up and gave me a fireman’s carry. My legs were dangling in the air and my hair dragged along the shiny hospital floor.

Then we were outside in the parking lot, which I will now describe in detail. It had asphalt grey chips that the wind blew along, and the cars in the car park were beat up old trucks, and the hospital looked white behind us, and it was all very quiet with not many people walking about to and from the hospital to their cars. There we go. Good description, huh?

“How are we going to do this?” Edward asked in a depleted voice. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing any foundation or eye shadow. My, he must have been sad.

Jacob pulled off his shirt, I don’t know why. Then he produced a knife from his pocket. He waved the blade in front of Edward’s eyes. “Now Edward, no matter what, you have to resist the urge to drink my blood. Okay? In fact, you should go first.”

He handed Edward the blade. Edward took it and looked at me. “Goodbye, Bella.” he said. It was really romantic. That is a romantic thing to do, huh? Don’t you think?

And then he jabbed himself in the arm and withdrew. Blood spurted out like a…like a…erm,…LIKE A BURST PIPE.

Then he stuck himself again, this time in the eye. He pulled out and his eyeball came out, sticking to his knife like a skewered chicken. He pushed it off the knife and his eye dropped to the ground. Now blood poured from the hole where his eye was. He went back again with the knife.

Jacob and I looked on amazed, our mouths gaping open. This certainly was some sacrifice! Jacob would have some way to go to prove that he loved me more. 

Edward stabbed himself again, and again and again. Like a fountain, blood sprayed out from hundreds of arteries and shot into the air. He was covered in blood from head to foot, I didn’t recognize him, his face was so messed up and bloody. And then he gave me one last loving look with his one eye, and jabbed himself right in the heart- you know- cause he is a vampire, right? And his body dropped to the ground and he lay….dead.

I ran over to him and cried. I put my hands on his shoulders and shook him like a ragdoll. “EDWARD! EDWARD! ARE YOU OK? EDWAAARD!”

I slouched onto his body and sobbed so heavily it hurt in my chest.

I felt Jacob’s hand on my shoulder. “Fuck That!” he said. “How the hell am I meant to top that?”

I turned round to meet his eyes. He was gazing at me lovingly.

“You know Bella, we could just run away together? Edward is out of the picture now. We could roast each other every night, until you have the baby and I will kill you both. I have a thing for pregnant women.”

I considered it briefly. But no, I had to do it. There was more to life than sex- like human sacrifice to save the world. I took the knife from Edward’s lifeless hand and slit my wrist, but wait!- Shit!- How the fuck am I going to write this story into a bestselling novel if I’m dead.

I watched in alarm as the blood trickled down my arm. Suddenly, Jacob snatched the knife from me.

 “That’s not how you do it, you idiot.” he said. He drew a faint circle round the spot on his bare chest where his heart was, and then cut deeply into the circle in a sawing motion. He dropped the knife, pulled out the loose circle of his skin, reached his hand into his chest, and pulled out his beating heart.

He held it right out to me. His heart was still beating in his hand. He looked at me with super seriousness and said,

“My heart beats, only for you, Bella.”

 And then he fell to his knees. Blood poured from his mouth and his face smashed into the tarmac.

Wow! I thought. What an ending to the story. What a line. My heart beats only for you, Bella. What about that, eh girls? But I quickly came to my senses- my wrist was slit! I really could die! I really could! I am worth more than both those guys put together, so I had to survive.

I rose to my feet and ran straight back into the hospital.

 

I am now living in a cave in the mountains somewhere. I have given birth to a werewolf-vampire-human baby. And I am happy. They said I would die, that neither of us would survive the pregnancy. But here we both are, and I am rocking it gently in my arms. I look into his eyes and I see traces of both of them staring back, the macho aggressiveness of Jacob, and the super-sensitive intelligence of…what was his name again? Oh yeah, Edward.

Anyway, yeah, I can see both of them in this baby and the way he looks at me. And it reminds me of the greatest love affair of my life so far. The baby- Vampwolf Jackeward I have called him, squeezes his eyes and breaks wind, farting right on my hand. He laughs, and I laugh.

The end.